Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Father's Heart Break

For the past eight years Father's Day has become a bitter sweet celebration for our family. On June 15, 2002 my brother Gary committed suicide in my backyard. It was Father's Day and my daughter Mariana and I were sitting at the dining table making pasta salad to go with the other things we had been preparing for our Father's Day celebration. My father in law Clarence had a yard sale out front and my 9 year old grand daughter Carrie was flitting from place to place anticipating the family gathering. My parents had gone to church, and ironically Gary, my younger brother was also participating in the yard sale with some things he had salvaged. Gary and Clarence had acquired an old riding lawn mower which they had tinkered with and had it up for sale that day. Like many days in June, it started to sprinkle rain which was the signal for shutting down the yard sale and bringing everything in. My husband Bill, now ex husband went out to lend a hand and proceeded to crank the old lawn mower and bring it around to the back of the house. The old lawn mower ran pretty good, but it had a tendency to back fire, so as per usual it made its repeated pops and bangs all the way from the front driveway to the backyard. Till this point no one noticed that Gary had disappeared, as we live on a two acre family compound with three houses so you could loose yourself if you wanted to. As Bill made the final turn at the backyard it was all he could do to jump off the mower and to grab our grand daughter as she was approaching my brother who was lying lifeless on the ground. Bill brought Carrie to the back door and told me to call 911. I was totally oblivious to what had happened, and confused when Bill said Gary was on the ground in the backyard. I called 911, still confused but my father in law in his stoic manner made it very clear what had happened. In that one moment our lives would be changed forever.....Father's Day would never be the same. The sheriff's department and fire rescue came, then my parents arrived home from church. It was devasting, having to tell them they had lost yet another child, but for Dad it was so much worse. It was personal, his son had done this on Father's Dad. No words could take that sting away. I wish my Dad could know that it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with the demons my brother had been fighting most of his life. Thank God we know he is in a better place today, no pain, no anguish as he walks the streets of gold in the presence of his Lord and Savior.

Friday, May 28, 2010

LOOKING FORWARD WHILE REFLECTING BACK

I am so looking forward to my 40th Class Reunion, for Palm Beach High School Class of 1970. Many times we see sitcoms portray reunions as a cheesy awkward gathering where the petty childishness of the past rises up within the participants. Well, I have been involved in all of our past reunions over the years, however never experienced anything but a great time. All the social hierarchy has faded away and the awkwardness of our teens have metamorphosed into amazing beautiful people....But I am not speaking of physical beauty, but internal compassionate, spiritual beauty. Whether you have become a doctor, clerical worker or pump septic tanks, our lives have evolved and many have become wonderful compassionate humanitarians, volunteers or such ministering to the needs of others, protecting our quality of life and defending our country.


In the last year I have become an avid friend on Facebook. It has given me the opportunity to reacquaint with former classmates. We share our lives; the joys and disappointments, pictures of our families and achievements, exchanges words of encouragement or a prayer when needed.


My girls are grown, Jeannine 38, travels with Wade Shows, an amusement company. We see her once a year when the South Florida Fair is open. Mariana 34 owns a beautiful home in Boynton, has a BA from FAU and works as a Legal Assistant. I am raising my granddaughter Carrie 17, who reminds me daily how many days till she turns 18 and is free to move on to pursue her future. Before long I will be experiencing the affects of the empty nest. I am not particularly excited about being alone. I am not a cat person; actually I do not have any animals anymore due to my health issues, so I can't find companionship there. I have however, found comfort as I reconnected with former classmates, church members who have moved away and long lost childhood friends via Facebook. Expanding my horizons beyond the four walls and building a new but familiar social network as I enter this new phase of my life. Old friends can be new found treasures and I encourage everyone reading this to reach out and consider this adventure as well.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

January 6, 2010 Life is short, very very short

I should thank my dear friend Pat Kramer Rideout for getting me up and running again. It has been months since I blogged. I had so many dreams of what this blog could be....an outlet, a means to refocus negative into positive and a means for communication. So here it is, keep it going Diane....
Fast forward from March 2009 to today. It is amazing, today is my grand daughters 17th birthday.....the time has literally flown by. Carrie was a true gift from God....she came into this world during one of my darkest hours. I had been suffering a serious bout of depression. She was the best medicine ever. She needed me, yet I needed her as well. Her need for me to nuture and careful kept my focus on things on the outside. We all should take a lesson from this, when we are feeling down and out, look for someone that may have a need. Do something for them that you might someone to do for you.
This past Thanksgiving and Christmas my daughter Mariana and I organized a food drive at Church. We were truly blessed by the tremendous amount of sacrafice from our church family enabling us to share 7 or 8 bountiful food baskets for families needing a little helping hand. I feel strongly that there are many things we can do for others with a pay if forward additude that can generate amazing results for both the giver and receiver. So I encourage you look around, the receiver might be your elderly neighbor that you can pick their dry cleaning or a few groceries, needs the flower bed weeded or and encouraging phone call. When shopping take advantgage of the buy one get one free and you help others without it costing you a dime, and the rewards are limitless.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

March 21, 2009 Welcome to Spring

Praise God, it's Springtime and all will become lush and green and revive our hearts and souls. I need spring to refresh and see all things new again. I believe that God created the seasons to help us understand the season's of our own lives. Even here in Florida, all be it a sutler transition from season to season and it may mean different things to different people, but we need these changes. For me each change is precious and renewing to my soul. While the autumn leaves may fall, it is the crispness of the wind through the trees that calls me to inhale life and all it's goodness and exhale all my stress and frustration. If I am fortunate enough to make a trip north in mid October there awaits breath taking landscapes over ever bluff exploding with color. On a few occasions I have had the opportunity to experience winter with blankets of snow glittering in the moonlight. No snow in Florida, but each season brings it own reward.
I am as corny as they come, planting plants, babying them, watching them mature, producing beautiful flowers and sometimes a tasty treat. I grow pineapples, avocados, tangerines and sometimes I will even plant some seasonal vegetables. I love my flowering plants. I favor planting perennials over the seasonal due to cost and my physical handicapp. While I may pay more for the plant, hopefully it will provide years of enjoyment. I enjoy spending time in my garden, especially when there is butterflies fliting around. My yard and garden has got away from this last several months, my hedges are 7 feet high and the weed population seems to be choking out some of my beloved flowering plants. Hopefully I will be able to get it back undercontrol as I find peace there and a great place to talk to my maker.
I speak of these things in my on going effort to be more positive in my life. So much of the time I feel like I am an 18 wheeler dump truck, loaded to the brim coming in dumping my garbage all over the place. I seem to skip from one crisis to the next, and not things that I have brought upon myself, just life. Oh, I have made some real dumb decisions in my life which cause it's own drama, but I take responsibility for those things. I am talking about real life drama beyond our control, tragic loss of love ones, seriously ill family members, lost love and emence personal struggles. Things that are uncomprehendable seem to weigh a person down and it is only by the grace of God that we survive. While I know that I am not alone, it is still very lonely.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Febbruary 19, 2009 Stay Focused

This has been a trying week to say the least. I took a fall this week while transferring from my desk chair to my wheelchair. I lean on the arm of the wheelchair for stability, however this time the arm snapped and broke, leaving me to plunge to the ground. I felt like a beached whale...not one of my finest moments. My body has not been very forgiving, as my neck and back are killing me.




Yesterday I spent 8 hours in the hospital with my grand daughter who was having abdominal pain. Thankfully she is doing better and no emergency surgery, they thought it was her appendix.




So as I am feeling the mental and physical pain of the week I am searching for meaning in all of this. My pastor says "in everything give thanks". (Yes Ray, I listen you your words of wisdom.) It is hard, it is an effort see the good in our pain and suffering. Tell me what there is to be thankful in this two events? Truthfully, things could have been alot worse, broken bones, cancer, any number of things. We humans are so silly, we bare the burdens, worry ourselves to death and for what. God is in control, and our worries don't change a thing. If we could just stay focused on the Main Thing.....God, not ourselves. Does this mean I have given up worrying? Not a chance, as I am so human it hurts. I am trying to be better, more positive, live life with a purpose, help other and stay focused on the things outside of my head. That is one of the purposes of this blog, admitting the pain, but trying to be more positive about it. You know in the words of Chuck Swindoll, a wise and wonder man of God, Life is 10 % what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Lord give me the wisdom and strenght to react appropriately.

Friday, February 13, 2009

February 13, 2009 Twas the night before Valentines Day

To say I am exhausted is an understatement, and I don't know why. It has been a long week, stress at work, stress at home, stress in the pocket book. My dad became dehydrated and spent the night at Good Samaritan Hospital. The dehydration caused his blood pressure to drop , starving his brain of blood and causing a mini stroke. Thankful, they hydrated him and released him today. What a difference a day can make.
While I am not a believer in Friday the 13th myths, isn't it ironic that Friday the 13th landed the day before Valentine's Day this year. Maybe most won't see the irony, but those of us who are not engaged in a romantic relationship might. I don't mean to be cynical but the day set aside for romance can be quite difficult and dreaded by those of us who are alone, not unlike the ominous dark cloud that hangs over the superstitious on Friday the 13th. Where am I going with this? Well maybe nowhere, I just thought it was an interesting segue to telling you about my 2009 Valentines.
No, there was no romantic interlude, no hot date, no such excitement, but I did receive a beautiful bouquet of roses from Mariana, Colin and Carrie. It made me cry, because I know the sacrifices she made to do something so selfless and thoughtful. God really blessed me big time when he gave me Mariana. Mariana is bright and beautiful, tenacious and driven, but she is also tender, thoughtful, kind and generous to a fault. She has been there for me in the the worst of times and I don't know how I would have survived the last 5 years without her. Please pray for her that God will bless her with abundant love overflowing.
And now, for all those romantically engaged, don't let this moment pass without a thought provoking gesture to your significant other. Don't be fooled by those who say it's just another day, it's not. While we should treat our love ones with random acts of kindness everyday, failure to do so on Valentines is most disappointing. Take if from me, one of the best gifts I ever got was not so much the gift, but the lengths taken, the planning and the execution....THAT WAS THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL....it showed my how much he cared.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

February 3, 2009 In Everything Give Thanks

Well, here we are already three days into February 2009. Yesterday was my exhusbands 60th birthday. Happy Birthday Bill. I have known Bill for 40 years and he has never been to the doctor. I pray he continues to have a full and heathly life.

Our health is certainly one thing to be happy about. I was listening to the radio last night as I lay waiting to fall asleep. There was a woman making some very important comments on being thankful.....things I could really relate to. For one, while I have a mountain of repairs to do around my house and my yard is looking more like the jungle, I can be thankful I have a home. There are many folks just like me who are unexpectedly homeless. My car the electric window on the drivers side is not working properly and my blinkers seem to be on the "blink", but I do have a car to drive.

And I am sad to say that sometimes I feel very alone, my kids are grown and gone, I find myself divorced, my best friend of 20 years has passed away.....but then I have to remember that while my pool of friends may be small, they are true treasures. My friend Shelley has been coming to the house for over two years now helping me patch drywall and paint and whatever while we spend endless hours baring our souls to one another. My sister Sunny (former sister in law that we adopted) brings sunshine to my should every time she crosses my threshold. My mother and my daughter Mariana are my rocks, they have bolder me up more times that I can count.....So next time we start feeling sorry for ourselves, let try to remember just what treasures we have hear on earth. And don't forget who provides it all for us.....thanks, thanks for everything.