A Father's Heart Break

For the past eight years Father's Day has become a bitter sweet celebration for our family. On June 15, 2002 my brother Gary committed suicide in my backyard. It was Father's Day and my daughter Mariana and I were sitting at the dining table making pasta salad to go with the other things we had been preparing for our Father's Day celebration. My father in law Clarence had a yard sale out front and my 9 year old grand daughter Carrie was flitting from place to place anticipating the family gathering. My parents had gone to church, and ironically Gary, my younger brother was also participating in the yard sale with some things he had salvaged. Gary and Clarence had acquired an old riding lawn mower which they had tinkered with and had it up for sale that day. Like many days in June, it started to sprinkle rain which was the signal for shutting down the yard sale and bringing everything in. My husband Bill, now ex husband went out to lend a hand and proceeded to crank the old lawn mower and bring it around to the back of the house. The old lawn mower ran pretty good, but it had a tendency to back fire, so as per usual it made its repeated pops and bangs all the way from the front driveway to the backyard. Till this point no one noticed that Gary had disappeared, as we live on a two acre family compound with three houses so you could loose yourself if you wanted to. As Bill made the final turn at the backyard it was all he could do to jump off the mower and to grab our grand daughter as she was approaching my brother who was lying lifeless on the ground. Bill brought Carrie to the back door and told me to call 911. I was totally oblivious to what had happened, and confused when Bill said Gary was on the ground in the backyard. I called 911, still confused but my father in law in his stoic manner made it very clear what had happened. In that one moment our lives would be changed forever.....Father's Day would never be the same. The sheriff's department and fire rescue came, then my parents arrived home from church. It was devasting, having to tell them they had lost yet another child, but for Dad it was so much worse. It was personal, his son had done this on Father's Dad. No words could take that sting away. I wish my Dad could know that it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with the demons my brother had been fighting most of his life. Thank God we know he is in a better place today, no pain, no anguish as he walks the streets of gold in the presence of his Lord and Savior.

LOOKING FORWARD WHILE REFLECTING BACK

I am so looking forward to my 40th Class Reunion, for Palm Beach High School Class of 1970. Many times we see sitcoms portray reunions as a cheesy awkward gathering where the petty childishness of the past rises up within the participants. Well, I have been involved in all of our past reunions over the years, however never experienced anything but a great time. All the social hierarchy has faded away and the awkwardness of our teens have metamorphosed into amazing beautiful people....But I am not speaking of physical beauty, but internal compassionate, spiritual beauty. Whether you have become a doctor, clerical worker or pump septic tanks, our lives have evolved and many have become wonderful compassionate humanitarians, volunteers or such ministering to the needs of others, protecting our quality of life and defending our country.

In the last year I have become an avid friend on Facebook. It has given me the opportunity to reacquaint with former classmates. We share our lives; the joys and disappointments, pictures of our families and achievements, exchanges words of encouragement or a prayer when needed.

My girls are grown, Jeannine 38, travels with Wade Shows, an amusement company. We see her once a year when the South Florida Fair is open. Mariana 34 owns a beautiful home in Boynton, has a BA from FAU and works as a Legal Assistant. I am raising my granddaughter Carrie 17, who reminds me daily how many days till she turns 18 and is free to move on to pursue her future. Before long I will be experiencing the affects of the empty nest. I am not particularly excited about being alone. I am not a cat person; actually I do not have any animals anymore due to my health issues, so I can't find companionship there. I have however, found comfort as I reconnected with former classmates, church members who have moved away and long lost childhood friends via Facebook. Expanding my horizons beyond the four walls and building a new but familiar social network as I enter this new phase of my life. Old friends can be new found treasures and I encourage everyone reading this to reach out and consider this adventure as well.

January 6, 2010 Life is short, very very short

I should thank my dear friend Pat Kramer Rideout for getting me up and running again. It has been months since I blogged. I had so many dreams of what this blog could be....an outlet, a means to refocus negative into positive and a means for communication. So here it is, keep it going Diane....

Fast forward from March 2009 to today. It is amazing, today is my grand daughters 17th birthday.....the time has literally flown by. Carrie was a true gift from God....she came into this world during one of my darkest hours. I had been suffering a serious bout of depression. She was the best medicine ever. She needed me, yet I needed her as well. Her need for me to nuture and careful kept my focus on things on the outside. We all should take a lesson from this, when we are feeling down and out, look for someone that may have a need. Do something for them that you might someone to do for you.

This past Thanksgiving and Christmas my daughter Mariana and I organized a food drive at Church. We were truly blessed by the tremendous amount of sacrafice from our church family enabling us to share 7 or 8 bountiful food baskets for families needing a little helping hand. I feel strongly that there are many things we can do for others with a pay if forward additude that can generate amazing results for both the giver and receiver. So I encourage you look around, the receiver might be your elderly neighbor that you can pick their dry cleaning or a few groceries, needs the flower bed weeded or and encouraging phone call. When shopping take advantgage of the buy one get one free and you help others without it costing you a dime, and the rewards are limitless.